He says, "Mexican standoff."

I am killing two birds with one stone.

She and I have started a conversation with someone in Netherlands to try and help us process our situation in a more positive and constructive way. Not an easy task.

As she mentioned in her last post our visas expired on the 30th of October. We have not been told if they are going to be renewed. We are able to stay as we have submitted the paperwork to the authorities, more than three months ago. However, we cannot legally leave as that would require a final exit visa. Basically if we leave, you can be guaranteed we will not get back in through the same channels. 

What is the issue?  As She says, it started with my arrest at the start of this year. However It's more than that. When my boss visited in May they told him I was too opinionated, too outspoken and that I lacked respect for them. On all three fronts I would agree with them. 

My problem is that I have an opinion and I am happy to push back. I'm not afraid to shout (when they start shouting) and I have become very good at preempting what they might do next. I frustrate them, incredibly so, because I haven't stopped the shouting, the pushing back, the saying no and then bringing in a lawyer when I knew they were going to ask me to pay them a "facilitation fee." to fast track the renewal of our visas/stay permits.

My biggest problem is that there are too many Country Directors here in Siberia that are not like me. They give a little, then a little bit more, then quite a bit more after that. It's only then that they realise that they're on a very slippery slope and it's very hard to stop the momentum. Still if you have deep pockets, maybe it works?

To quote her again, "We want to stay. We have good friends here, a nice house and garden, and access to a lovely gym and pool, and we live next-door to the place we’re hoping to adopt from. His work is challenging but mostly rewarding. We want to complete the [three year] stint and get our [three months] of paid holiday at the end of it. I want to stay for practical reasons, and I want to go for emotional ones. I’m tired of the uncertainty.

My natural inclination would be to go and demand the permit for us to stay. I'd dare them, and have done so on a few occasions, to kick us out. However, this is what they want.

If Siberia has taught me anything, it's that often the best thing is to do nothing. 

That patience is often the most valuable tool in the bag. 

They want me to beg, to plead for the permit. They will shout at me, probably lock me in a room and then tell me I am too loud mouthed, too young, too inexperienced and most importantly I lack respect for them and for the Country of Siberia. That wouldn't worry me if I thought it would get us the permit. But I am not sure it would. I could go through all of that and they'd still likely leave  us in limbo. 

It's more than two weeks since I last met them. I have not called them and they have not called me. It's a Mexican standoff in Siberia.

Still, time is not on my side. They could leave us waiting, waiting for weeks and months. My Zimbabwean colleague waited four months for an exit visa. He was never the same and left shortly afterwards.

She has made it evidently clear that she wants a decision to be made either way. Rightly so, we can't keep living in limbo like this. To add to the time pressure, we are booked to go to Dubai for the rugby sevens. Something we both have been looking forward to for a whole year. Is it worth giving up on our life in Siberia for a weekend of rugby and time with friends ? I honestly don't know.

I feel weighed down by my own expectations, her expectations and trying to decide what is best for our organisation. There are no simple answers and I have no real plan. Each and every day I think of a different angle, or a different way forward. I operate in a million shades of grey (why just fifty?). That only exacerbates her frustrations and concerns as she pushes me for black and white answers. What are we doing? When are you meeting them? We are leaving on the 30th, right? I simply don't have the concrete responses she is looking for.

At times like these I often think about the book of Ecclesiastes.  This is one of my favourite books. It was written by a bloke, much smarter than me, who  thirsted for wisdom and knowledge. He gave many years of his life, looking for answers.  The sum of all his investigation was that life was basically meaningless. That good and bad happened to all of us and that the only certainly of this life was death. 

Like me, he didn't have the answers either. 

The point is, that we are not always going to have the answers in life that we need. That life is much bigger than you or I or the multitude of decisions that we have to make on a daily basis. The message of Ecclesiastes is that whatever our situation or lot in life, there is a Power that is beyond our knowing and fully understanding. The Power that brings the sun to shine and the rain to fall on good and bad alike. Though we may not fully understand or comprehend we are called to trust, to live and to know even in difficult and shitty situations that His character is constant and unchanging. 

That He knows our situation, far more than we ourselves do. That is our strength. Our Hope.

It's easier to type this than it is to live it out. To continue our normal routine and to keep things going at the office when we could very easily find ourselves out of the country, with all the upheaval this would cause. 

He knows. Thank goodness for that.